COPING DURING COVID: TIPS FOR PARENTS
Back in March, when this was all new and overwhelming… I got the question below from a parent. Alas, the reality of quarantine and no preschools/daycare/schools is still with us and the advice still holds.
“I was wondering if you had general advice for kids in the three to four-year-old age group. So far we've explained changes with a simple, "Lots of people have the same cold right now, and we are trying to help by being extra careful of germs, so swim class isn't happening this week." She doesn't seem to be interested in more information (we asked if she's heard people talking about a virus and she just asked what a virus was and then tore off to play some more), but her birthday party will be canceled and we suspect she may have more questions as this drags on. I've read all the online advice about "it's better to explain than to have the kids sitting in fear," but do you have suggestions that are a little more tailored by age group? I'd love a 1-minute parent tip on that!"
Here are my quick tips:
You may already be on "Tips Overload" since there is a ton of info coming at you. If so, skip this. If not, read on: I will try to offer just a few comments/suggestions that maybe you haven't seen yet.
1. The explanation you gave is just right. "Virus" means nothing to a 3-4-year-old and I'm not a fan of "germs" either unless it's already in her vocabulary. Something that can make you sick but is invisible is pretty spooky (ain't that true for us, adults, too?), so just stick to this: "This kind of "cold" is a kind where people can get sick from just being next to other people who are sick or touching things they touched so... (fill in the relevant changes). Stick to the changes in front of you now: no daycare, no swim lessons, etc.
2. For a birthday: do a zoom party if you can or at least have her friends record short videos of birthday greetings. Tell her she'll be four for a while year so you can have a second "regular" birthday later.
3. Take in the positive side of this: you know how child development and parenting experts (like me...) tell you how important free, unstructured play and unscheduled time are and you think to yourself "I'm too busy to schedule unscheduled time." Well - that time is here! Grab it and INCLUDE in your new at-home routine slowing everyone's pace down, lingering in PJ's, taking turns bringing someone in the family breakfast in bed (something that won't spill and won't crumble).
4. That said, kids do better with a daily schedule so at the start of the day make a schedule with stick-figure drawings of activities and boxes to check or put a sticker next to each one that's done.
5. Make a journal with your child: a page about each day. Towards the end of the day have her dictate what you did today and decorated with drawings, stickers, etc. If you have a printer at home, take some photos in the course of the day and print them out (preferably in color) and glue into the book. If you don't have access to a printer consider ordering an inexpensive one online along with a ream of paper, as we're in for a pretty long haul here (Amazon may be completely flooded with orders, so until they hire those 100,000 new workers, you might do better with other stores that offer online shipping).
6. Save all the cardboard boxes your orders come in. Let them sit in a "quarantine corner" for 24 hours, then use them to create big blocks for building towers, bridges, towns, rockets, etc.
7. Have your child do a drawing or record a video thanking doctors and nurses for taking care of sick people and mail to a hospital near you/post online/email to anyone you know in the healthcare field.
8. Screens are your friends at this moment! When you need a break let your child can watch on their own while you decompress. But mostly, try to utilize them actively: read together via zoom with family members and friends (ideally when they the same book on hand), taking turns page after page, play charades, a simplified 21 questions, or just making silly faces at each other.
9. Pace yourself - this is going to take a while! Know (or, rather, believe me...) that with a bit more tie you'll adjust and things will feel a bit more "normal" in this abnormal state.
10. Consider taking advice from the Swedes who prefer (at least traditionally) to keep lights in winter very low, accepting that it's a time of year for the body to get more sleep and rest. You might be surprised to find yourself sleeping more and realizing how sleep-deprived your normal state is.
MORE HELP
This is a good time to teach your child (and learn yourself!) how to do mindful relaxation. With kids under 6 you need to be very concrete, so below is a step-be-step script to use before bedtime or rest/calm-down periods.
This may cheer you up: If you are able to secure the basics (health!, food, shelter, and income) there are actually BENEFITS you can gain for your child and as a family. Below are suggestions on how to spot them and how to enhance them.
How to do (and what is) Progressive Relaxation:
Progressive relaxation is not political or economic agenda for these troubled times, but rather a progression of tightening and relaxing of your muscles. Here’s a script for a sequence which I have used with my own and with consultees’ kids. I’ve found it to be very effective: after two or three repetitions kids “get it” and learn to relax. You can use it when you child has a hard time settling down for a rest or a nap, or at bedtime if they are too “wired” to fall asleep.
Lie down on a bed or the rug with your child, with shoes and socks off so she can see how you do it. You can also touch the body parts she’s to tighten to help her translate the direction to the sensation. Speak in a soft voice, slow and rhythmic.
· Curl your toes (show your child how to do this), hold tight… tight… tight, and relax.
· Feel how your toes are soft, like little cotton balls at the ends of your feet.
· Now push with your heels down into the bed, tight… tight… tight, and relax.
· Feel your feet rest heavily on the bed.
· Press your knees down into the bed tight… tight... tight, and relax.
· Feel your feet rest heavily on the bed.
· Continue up through thighs, stomach, back.
· Fill your chest with as much air as you can, hold your breath, one… two… three, and let out. Repeat twice more.
· Feel the front of your chest get soft and smooth and relaxed.
· Clench your fists, tight… tight... tight, and relax.
· Feel your hands rest smooth and heavy on the bed.
· Press your elbows into the bed tight… tight... tight, and relax.
· Scrunch up your shoulders and neck, tight… tight... tight, and relax.
· Feel your shoulders and neck rest heavy on the bed.
· Clench teeth, tight… tight... tight ,and relax. Repeat 2 more times.
· Feel your mouth and tongue get soft and relaxed.
· Scrunch your forehead and shut your eyes tight… tight... tight, and relax.
· Feel your forehead and eyelids soft and smooth.
· Feel your head press heavily into the bed, press down, and down, and down, and relax.
· Now your body from toes to head, is soft and relaxed, and heavy on the bed.
· Take five slow breaths: in… and… out X5
· Your body is soft and relaxed and heavy on the bed, and you are ready to fall asleep (Repeat 3-4 times, very slowly).
What’s Good About COVID-19?
Now that you’ve relaxed with the script above, you’re hopefully in the mood to consider the benefits of this terrible plague… Don’s read this if right now you’re feeling very stressed, despondent, or frightened. Know those feelings are a perfectly reasonable and universal responses to the situation we’re in, but they will ebb and flow and you will find moments of more acceptance, balance, and even hope.
Ready now? Here you go:
So… What’s Good about COVID19? I want to highlight some of the positive “side-effects” of the pandemic and give you a few ideas on how carve out moments and opportunities for these.
Quality Family Time
I know… being cooped up with your kid/s all day, sometimes in a very small apartment, is not the “quality” you’d wish for. But in the midst of it, there are certainly opportunities for the kind of unhurried, close family time that so many parents rarely get under normal circumstances.
I suggest actually creating a schedule in which there are two times (more if you can manage it) during the day you name as “Special Family Time” (or a snazzier name), when you snuggle with your kid/s and do whatever they want – read or listen to a story, listen to music together, watch a favorite video. Or something more active - like dancing together (kids LOVE learning ballroom dancing by standing on your feet while you make the dance moves) or cooking.
Dawdling is OK!
So many parents find the normal-times morning rush of getting kids dressed, fed and out the door challenging. Well, with nowhere to go and no clock to punch, enjoy your child’s natural love of dawdling. Let them stay in their PJ’s until lunchtime, hang out in their bed or on the couch with stuffed animals or books, or just daydreaming.
Connecting with Family & Friends
Video-conferencing has opened up a huge world of connections with family and friends. I know I have had more “visits” with friends and extended family in the past 2 months than is normal for a whole year. Having a group on one screen allows everyone to check in and listen to each other. I have found these zoom session lovely! But they are also exhausting, so pace yourself.
For young kids (under 5) it’s hard to focus on a zoom session for more than few minutes, so here are a few suggestions for how to keep them engaged:
1. Read a story together (this is particularly good for grandparents and aunts /uncles) with each party holding the same book. Tell the child when to turn the page. Before reading the text, ask them what they see on their page, then say “I see the frog, too! Do you see the caterpillar in the corner?”
2. Do a project together: building something from blocks or Legos (if you don’t have any in your house, use cardboard boxes (from all those things you are ordering online) or even pillows.
3. Plan a “Show and Tell” and do a little prep with the child so s/he is ready to “perform” on the zoom call.